I’ve got great news, ladies: It’s not 2006 anymore, and thank god for that, right? The Jersey Shore/Ed Hardy/My New Haircut days are behind us, and we can all breath a sigh of relief. But there is still one lingering trend from the era that has ceased to die off, like a deep rooted ingrown hair that refuses to surface and be plucked. I’m speaking, of course, about tanning.
I would like to tell you that I’ve never been tanning, but unfortunately a young, more feeble minded TOBY K fell a victim to the trend for a wrinkle in time. Cast your judgmental stones at me all you want, you can’t hurt me. We all make mistakes guys, what’s important is owning up to them. But I digress…
We’ve all heard the obvious reasons of why you shouldn’t tan (cancer, aging, etc), but apparently that’s not enough for some people, so here are 5 new reasons to stop tanning.
For starters, you’re spending your money on something that is free if you just go outside. Talk about a poor investment. Some straight up American shit right there.
You’re risking your health to try to impress other people. Because that’s what it is, right, you want to look good in pictures, and for other people to think you’re tan? Very sad girlfriend, very sad. I’m all for shining yourself in all your best light and keeping up on your P’s and Q’s, but when you’re putting yourself or your health in danger to try to make yourself look better, you’re doing too much. Showing yourself in your best light should be about keeping yourself on top of your game, and looking & feeling great, not harming yourself.
You look like an idiot. Honestly. You look like a pumpkin or something, I don’t even know where to start, but you don’t look good. I know you thought you did, and I know you probably think I look like a vampire, but you don’t, and I know what I look like, you don’t need to tell me.
You’re going to look like an even bigger idiot in 30 years. Do you know what Tan Mom looked like 20 years ago? Not 1/2 bad, that’s what. Now she looks like a confused Shih Tzu, and about what her age would be in Shih Tzu years too. it’s probably all those UV rays that put this bitch in a state of perma-confusion.
No, seriously, you’re gonna look really old. Like…a leather bag or something. Gross. Don’t believe me? Hmu in 15 years and we’ll compare selfies, pumpkin face.
So get it together, ladies. Cuz idk about you but I’d rather look like a young sexy vampire than an old leather bag.