How to: Take a Good Selfie

121214SelfieStickZM01_19.jpg

I find ones selfie game can be quite telling about their character (more on this later), so I thought I’d draw up a manual to help you take your selfies to the top. So here we go:

1) Listen to Drake for 3 hours.

Minimum. This is essential.

You don’t just pop out a camera and take a good selfie, guys; your heart’s got to be in it. You’re basically marketing yourself to the world with this shit, and in order to sell it, you’ve got to believe it. The game is half mental. Kanye West will also suffice.

2) Natural. Light.

Now that we’ve listened to Drake for 3 hours and we’re fully feeling ourselves, it’s time to go outside. Or at least to the window. You’ll thank me later.

3) Don’t smile.

Smiling selfies are so fucking weird to me. What are you smiling about? You’re taking a selfie, you should be ashamed of yourself right now. Goofy smile ones are okay I guess; they don’t weird me out or anything, but pretty smile selfies are just like…. fuckin weird idk.

4) Hurry up.

Again, you’re taking a selfie, okay? Although it’s a natural part of life now & something we all do, it’s still somewhat corny, and you’re doing it. Once you have the photo, it’s not such a big deal anymore; but while you’re in the act of taking it, you should definitely be worried someone is going to catch you and shame you to high heaven. Which brings me back to #3. You shouldn’t be happy in this moment, you should hate yourself at least a little bit for what you’re doing. Have some pride, guys.

-unless you’re alone in which case obviously take like 500 in order to get the 1 good one. But still don’t smile, it’s still weird.-

5) For the love of god, caption it appropriately.

If I see one more selfie with a caption like “had the best lunch today!” I’m gonna lose my fuckin’ mind.

Your selfie has nothing to do with your lunch. If you want to talk about your lunch, upload a picture of that; but I’m guessing you didn’t want to talk about your lunch, you just didn’t know what to title your selfie because you didn’t want to seem like, into yourself or something…? Idk, the concept is not something I’m familiar with. But yo, here’s the deal: you still look into yourself (which IMO isn’t a bad thing like, we should all be feelin’ ourselves and celebrating that shit, it’s a beautiful thing to love the skin you’re in) but what you’re not doing is owning up to it, which is a no no.

Whatever you do in life, own that shit. If you want to throw up a selfie of yourself lookin’ fly on a Thursday, then hell yea, go on and do that shit, but don’t tell me about your lunch. Just be like, “yoooo it’s Thursday and I’m feelin’ myself!”, or throw me some lyrics, or poetry (eh) so I can feel where your mind set was at during this selfie, and then I’ll be like ‘word’; but from now on I’m not liking any more selfies that are captioned w/ bullshit. I DON’T CARE HOW FLY U LOOK, it’s not happening.

6) Easy on the filters, damn.

The point of filters is to make people think you’re not using them and that you just naturally look that good. If you can tell you used them, you’re doing it wrong.

7) Sit back and relax while your thirst is quenched.

Yea, I said it. We all know we love it.

And that, my friends, is the name of the game.