5 Things I’m Not Here For, V. 1

no ham

1) Blog post introductions. Why do you guys make me do that shit? It always comes out weird. You guys are so demanding.

2) Your dietary needs. If one more person says the word gluten, I’m gonna lose it. Do any of you even know what gluten actually is? I bet you think it’s sugar. I hate you guys so much. If you didn’t get that shit diagnosed by a doctor, don’t you dare open your mouth.

3) Thirsties. My god, of all the things I’m not here for, I most certainly am not here for these thirsties. Thirsty dudes, thirsty chicks, none of it. If you post a photo in your bathing suit when you’re not at the beach or the pool, I just don’t even know what to do with that. What are YOU even trying to do with that, monetize yourself? What a joke.

Good looks fade yo, it’s unavoidable, but you know what doesn’t fade as you age? Money in the bank. This paper doesn’t care if you put on fake eyelashes every morning and post videos of yourself staring at the camera and dancing, and this paper also ain’t gonna make itself; so maybe you should just pour yourself a tall glass of water and think that shit over. Repeat after me kids: always hungry; never thirsty.

4) Ham. If you order a ham sandwich when you have the option to have turkey, or roast beef, or basically anything besides ham, I can’t help but mentally knock you down a notch in my book. I’m sorry, maybe it’s not you, it’s me? But I doubt it.

5) Hateration in this dancery. Self explanatory.

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